i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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