Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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