video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
