i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
