Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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