Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
