Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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