Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
