Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
