You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
