Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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