if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
