i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
It's blow job season.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
