Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
