I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
