I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
You need Xanax blowdarts
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Randomize
