I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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