I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
