life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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