can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
You're like the curious george of whores
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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