yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
