So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
