I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
