I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
