rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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