After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
