Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Randomize
