Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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