mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
