Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
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