In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I fill condoms, not promises.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I'm too high and old for this...
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
