Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
