The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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