We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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