Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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