would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
