I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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