Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
