I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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