He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
