That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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