we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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