i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
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