i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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