Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
