Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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