mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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