You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
2020 sucks, I want a refund
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
