I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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