the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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